Janelle

I guess I'm writing this more for me than anyone seeing as I don't think anyone really reads this...which may be ok.

Breaking up- Why is this so hard? I seem to think its the comfort of knowing something is there everyday and that being stripped away. Maybe getting used to a new routine. Maybe actually missing the guy. I have always been the one to break up with the guy before things get difficult, but what made this guy different? Why would I wait around for him to end it? I have depression and anxiety, but I dont really realize it thanks to lexipro and xanax. Guys want to fuck, girls want to connect. guys see no connection in fucking, girls make it their lifeline. When the going gets tough and emotions are too much to handle then i would say the appropriate thing for a girl in a sexual relationship to do would be to cut off sex until the emotions are under control. Guys with character would wait until the girl was emotionally stable enough to be fucked again with no remorse. Other guys, like my previous boyfriend doesnt want to wait around for me to be 'fixed'. Yea that fucking hurts to finally come to the realization that the last 6 months of my life was a waste disguised with sex. But hey, what other option to we have but to move on and keep putting up walls until "mr. right" comes along and breaks them down. until then i will be a cynical hermit.

Other than that all we can do is fake it till we make it and tough it out, continue with studies, get a job, go to the gym, anything to take our minds off of the fact that we are no longer wanted by the guy we daydream with be the one that will take us away from all of our problems. I still think the hardest part is dreaming that everything is back to normal and waking up with a smile on our face only to remember how it really is.

Today i drove around aimlessly.

it seems like i have more fun doing that then a lot of other things nowadays..

i hate being alone.

i miss [ ].

Favorites:
Colors: Torquoise
Animals: Dolphin, Black Panther
Cartoon Characters: Meatwad Actresses: Sarah!
Actors: Ed Norton, James Spader
Movies: Harold and Maude, True Stories, Secretary, Crash, American History X
Types of music: Good
Singers: David Byrne
Bands/Groups: Talking Heads
Books: Catcher in the Rye
Authors: Salinger Video games: Crash Bandicoot
Computer games: The Sims
Foods: Sushi
Ice creams: Rocky Road Cookies: White Chocolate macadamian nut
Veggies: Red/Yellow/Orange peppers, carrots, edemame
Fruits: Apples, strawberrys, raspberrys, mangos, kiwis, bananas, pomegranites, peaches, pineapples..
Candies: I say NO to fat
Beverages: Water, Raspberry Ice Tea, Lemonade Pops: Coke, sprite, ruby red squirt, cherry coke.
Cereals: Golden Grahams
Webesites: Myspace, Livejournal
Music videos: no
Gum: Orbit
Pizza toppings: Pineapples.
Fast food joints: In N Out
Fast food meals: Uh cheeseburger?

Love Life
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No
How long have you been dating?: -------------
Do you have a crush?: Yea a few.
Would you rather be single or taken right now?: Taken
How many people have you dated this past year?: 1
How many people have you kissed in your life?: Like 34 i dont know i dont count them
How many people have you said "I love you too" and meant it?: None
Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone?: Yea
Are you friends with your ex/exes?: Yea some.
Have you ever cheated on someone?: No
Have you ever been cheated on?: Haha YES
Biggest Turn-ons: Sadistic asshole
Turn-offs: Dependent guys.

Morals/Beliefs
What religion are you?: Don't believe in organized religion
Do you got to church regularly?: No
What do you think happens when you die:? Worms come and eat you..
Do you believe in God?: Yes
Satan?: Metaphorically
Angels?: Yea
Heaven?:
Hell?: Are you a virgin?: No
What do you think of abortion?: Choice
Suicide?: Too convenient Flag burning?: Random
War?: I dont know
Pop music?: I lost my virginity to it. HAHAHAHA I AM SO CLEVER

What Did You Do.
Last weekend?: Went to LA
Yesturday?: Went to my great aunts house and ate lunch, then played with her great dane, rented some movies, went to bed
Your last birthday?: Party at Sarah's....although mysteriously everyone thought it was her birthday then got a tattoo
New Years Eve?: Canada
Valentines Day?: Nothing.
Easter?: Rehab
4th of July?: Went to the lake with my ex boyfriend and his parents and watched a REAL TEXAS FIREWORKS! YEEHAW
Halloween?: Went to my friend in Texas, Hollys, and dressed up as random things that we could find around her house, i think mason was a cheerleader and holly was a potatoe, and i was a dinasour that went to...heartlight haha wow
Thanksgiving?: I dont remember...
Christmas Eve?: Seattle
Christmas Day?: In Canada

Ever Been Called...
Dumb?: Yea
Retarted?: Yea
Ugly?: Yea
Hot?: Yea
Fat?: Yea
Anorexic?: No
A waste of space?: Yea
Useless?: Yea Sexy?: Yea
Smelly?: No
A Slut?: No oh waite...Yea
Beautiful?: Yea
Smart?: Yea
Quiet?: Yea
Boring?: Yea
A Bitch?: Yea
Rebel?: Yea
Conceited?: Yea

Currently
What are you wearing?: Grey sweat pants, black sportsbra, black tank top, sarah's grey jacket
Who are you talking to?: No one
How is the weather?: Cold because im spoiled
What are you listening to?: Nothing but the sounds of clicking from the keyboard..
What/Who are you thinking about?: How depressing it is the stuff that i put on this survey exactly 2 years ago. I found this thing on an old Livejournal post...
What are you eating/drinking?: Nothing
What are you looking forward to?: Anything
What are you dreading?: The rest of this week
How are you feeling?: Calm
How is your hair?: Unbrushed and everywhere What time is it?: 1:05am
What are you annoyed by?: Quitting smoking, my healing piercings, bordom, confusion, depression

Emotions
What emotion do you feel the most?: Either high or low..both equally maximized.
What emotion is the best?: High
Worst?: Low
What songs make you cry?: I dont cry
What movies make you cry? What always cheers you up?: Hanging out with friends.
What make you madder than anything?: You What hurts you the most?: Superficial bullshit
Which person always makes you happy? The boys in my life..whether they be just friends or more, guys cheer me up..
Depressed?: Nobody always makes me depressed..
Are you a really emotional person?: Not really
What do you do when you're depressed?: Sleep

When Was The Last Time You..
Kissed?: Today
Had sex?: Too long
Went to the movies?: Today
Went out to eat?: Today Cried?: I dont remember
Got dumped?: When i was 15 Dumped someone?: December Threw up?: January 1st. Happy new year canada
Peed?: Uh a little bit ago Went skating?: Ice skating a couple months ago with sarah and charlie
Went for a walk?: Like never ago
Ate ice cream?: I dont remember
Got into a fight?: Forever ago

basically a whole lot has happened the past couple of weeks. i have decided to go back to california, but not to thousand oaks. i'll be going to san diego to be with my family.. So yes, mason and i have broken up, but hopefully we'll remain friends. My heart just doesnt belong here anymore

3 months and i will have my own apartment and i wont have to live in this house by myself anymore.

2 1/2 months and i will be in austin with mason w/o a care in the world.

1 month and i will be in california with sarah and alexis.



Hurry October, you're nothing but trouble.
Stephen Lynch is a comedy GOD

birthday soon.

going to thousand oaks november 4th weekend.

buy me stuff, and love me for taking it.

oh yea and FUCK old men that smell like snails [don't really fuck them]

i fucking hate people who flaunt there shit around for fucking attention.

no one wants to hear about how fucking bad your life sucks. i mean seriously, i just hate that so much

i.dont.want.responsibilitys!!

We are selling my house.

Somedays i want to go back to Heartlight, its much easier that way..

I miss people, Ill miss my parents when they leave me.

Im moving into an apartment..

Im getting a kitten named Cabbage.

I fall asleep too much when i drive..

I GOT A JOB, as a hostess.

The same day ^ i got a ticket for speeding..

Sarah's coming in three days!

Thats all..

there are so many storms here, every other day at least it will lightning or thunder, and once every other week theres some tornado warning.. well at least theres no earthquakes, which i hear is all the time now in california.

fuck, some people are so shitty

i havent used this thing since rehab, damn

well quick update i my parents are moving back to fucking california...shitty ass life, choose between my boyfriend or my friends

it takes allot for me to trust someone...and when i do and they lie to me or abuse that trust in some way then it hurts so much more than if someone i didnt know or care about literally stabbed me..i think i would prefer that...

people just dont see that i am really sensitive i guess and that when people i care about fuck themselves over that it hurts me so much..

do i go back to trusting them? or do i give up.. shitty decision..

meh well on a lighter note i may only have like 7 more weekends of heartlight!! :) but i am still gonna live in dallas :( but i am gonna visit as soon as i can. Sarah~ i dont know if you still have livejournal, but if you do then say something funny, u can make me laugh allot..

This weekend was fun

went to the lakehouse with my house ~got snowcones~

met the Hurley guy and hes so FUCKING HOT!!! then everyone got free t-shirts..

mason cut his hair

Recently the littlest shit that people pull seem to piss me off way more than the big things that people do...i dont know why but its pretty messed on my part and others..heartlight is draining me of emotion.. i need to go home


do you ever feel like people piss you off just for fun???

Today is april fools day and i hate my house..

we had to walk places and cat was puking and coughing her pnomonia all over my sexy self! godamn

Tori found my pen :)

my back hurts from bending over to make sure my headphones dont fall off of my ear-they are very short and it bothers me...but oh well, music is music and heartlight is gay

mason got principals table cuz this school is a flaming homosexual
~he's sad, makes me sad :(
i <3 u...yea u

:( break was so fun! It sucks to be back in Texas, then back in Heartlight...But i missed my roomate and Mason:) I dont know what I'd do without Torrance (cough) level 5 (cough) to guide meeeeeeee!! Haha dearest Torrance (last night when you were sleeping you snored really loud and it woke up ground control and he was all like "wooooooooooaaaaaahhhhh" I just thought you would like to hear that online..or something.





I <3 Mason

ok blah


were watching joe dirt in my crime in america class



hickkkkkkk moooovie, i live with hicks..ewww




























yea so blah, i miss everyone and im coming home next week

HEY YALL FUCK FACES OUT THERE IN CALIFORNIA


haha ok so my school is the only place where i can go on myspace, and as of right now the school has blocked things like that, so im going on my awsomely cool 'oldschool' livejournal, which i dont think anyone goes on anymore...so im pretty much wasting my time writing in it..ok wow, talking to myself. bye

hey this is janelle...ok well i am home for thanksgiving weekend and things are good...i have been sober for umm 6 months now...i want yall to write me back and tell me how things are..i miss you guys
muah -janelle

ummm...ok this is the hardest thing ive ever done....

i held back tears all day so my friends and people wouldnt get upset...

getting stoned helped, but after school when i was saying goodbye to maddie and nicole it clicked....I will never see these people again....and if i did, it would be on short visits...i love these people, they were my best friends for some time now...and as soon as i drove away with my dad i was the most choked up ive ever been in my life...yet i wouldnt let myself cry..

I love you guys, all of you, and i really want u to write me...


much love, J-dawgyyy

wow

trust is a hard word to completly understand